As parents, we all know that moment. The red flash of anger has cleared, our blood pressure has gone down, and we step back just enough to realize the mess we have made. Our child is emotionally hurt—crying, yelling, or hiding away in their room. There has been a rupture of the relationship; at least part of it is our fault. Oh, man. Now what?
This moment is full of options. We could take the path of shame, repeating scripts in our head about how awful and incompetent we are, and sink into the darkness of self-loathing. We could take the path of denial, minimizing the damage we did in our mind and never mentioning it again, hoping that others will follow suit. We could take the path of blame, repeatedly lashing out at our spouse or kids, trying to relieve our sense of guilt by placing it on others. Though these options may give a momentary relief, the true and lasting effect is a deeper rift of separation from our family, God, and our truest selves.
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The Path of Repair
The very best option is to choose the path of repair. Repairing the relationship strengthens the connection and deepens the bond of secure attachment. It teaches the child that they are safe in their relationship with us no matter what, and it lays the foundation for a lifetime of healthy relational patterns (Johnson, 2008). Parenting mistakes can be small or large, insignificant or serious. Regardless of the mistake, what’s most important is what you do next. Research shows that your bond with your child can be strengthened after an instance of rupture and repair than before the mistake took place. Just like composting turns waste into fertile soil, good parents know how to turn their failures into opportunities for growth for their children.
However, repairing the relationship after a rupture is sometimes harder than you may think. Especially if a healthy pattern of rupture and repair was not something that you grew up with in your family of origin, you may not know quite how to go about this process with your children. Here are a few tips to keep in mind:
#1: Regulate your nervous system.
After a mistake has taken place, your first task is to put yourself back together. Take the time for some deep breaths, pray, go for a walk, or drink a cup of tea. In this time, reconnect with a sense of compassion for yourself and your child. Remind yourself that your child is not “the enemy,” but a developing person who is most likely having a hard time and may still be working on the skills they need to navigate the current situation. Ask yourself, “What does my child need from me? How can I help them?” Children feed off of the parent’s emotional energy through a process called co-regulation of the nervous system—an upset parent will further upset a child, while a calm parent can help a child calm down. Because of this connection between our nervous systems, it is worth the time and emotional energy to calm yourself down before trying to repair the relationship with your child. 1
#2: Adopt a gentle tone and posture.
If your child is upset, they will be especially reactive to any perceived threat—a loud voice and a towering adult body. So, make yourself small and soft. Use your face to show empathy and compassion—a child will perceive a flat or neutral facial expression as angry in this situation. Use your body to show you are not threatening—get down below the child’s eye level by crouching, kneeling, or even lying on the floor. If your child is upset, speak in a low voice to reassure them using simple repeated connection phrases like “I know,” or “I’m here.” Once your child calms down and perceives that you are safe, you can offer a hug or sit with your arm around them, but don’t push it if your child needs some physical space. 2
#3: Lead by taking responsibility for your behavior.
You can specify exactly what you did that hurt your child and tell them that you will try not to do it again. Say, “I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?” You can ask them, “What can I do to fix this?” Avoid blaming phrases like, “I’m sorry, but you…” or “You made me so mad that I had to yell.” Messages like this teach your child that they are responsible for your behavior, which they are not. No child is ever responsible for a parent’s behavior or feelings. It is essential to model taking responsibility for your actions without conditions.3 Some people may worry that apologizing to their child may undermine their authority as a parent. But apologizing does just the opposite—it models “being the bigger person” for the child, and teaches that true leaders can reflect on their actions, accept responsibility for their failures, and demonstrate the humility and courage to have hard conversations.
#4: Help your child think through their role.
Once you have comforted your child and “removed the plank from your own eye,” your child may respond by spontaneously taking responsibility for their role. If they don’t, you can ask about the behavior, what led up to it, and its effects. It is best to wait for this conversation until the child is fully calmed down. For example, “I noticed that you hit your sister. What happened?” Dr. Ross Greene, American psychologist and author, recommends making an observation about the behavior and gently asking, “What’s up?”. 4 Remember to stay rooted in compassion or your child may feel attacked and then withdraw. Be sure to focus on the behavior instead of a character trait (“You are a bully” or “You are lazy,” etc.). Offer them empathy and a safe space to talk about what led to their behavior, so they can better understand themselves and make a different choice next time. When they recognize the consequences of their behavior, you can talk to them about what they can do to repair any emotional or physical damage, including apologizing if appropriate. Ask, “What can you do to make this right?” If they apologize, verbally share that you forgive them and love them, no matter what. If they need to apologize to a sibling or someone else, accompany them and support them through this process.
#5: Reconnect through affection and activity.
According to the research of professor and psychologist, Dr. John Gottman, the ratio of positive to negative interactions in a healthy relationship is at least 4:1. 5 So, when there has been a rupture, it’s going to take at least 4 times that amount of positive input to make the relationship feel secure again. If your child is open to it, a long hug is a great place to start. Follow it up with reading a book, playing a game, going for a walk, or working together on chores. These activities give you a chance to make some positive emotional deposits and regain a sense of normalcy and security in the relationship.
#6: Share the joys and struggles with other parents.
Going through this process of rupture and repair with your child can be so fruitful, and very challenging emotionally. It can be helpful to share this journey with other like-minded parents who can offer a listening ear, encouragement, and advice. You can celebrate each other’s successes and support one another through difficult times. Conversations with other parents can help you feel like you are not alone in your struggles and can help free you from a sense of shame or inadequacy. Since other parents are also in the trenches, they are uniquely positioned to offer useful advice or practical suggestions that can help in the future.
Remember, there are no perfect parents. We all make mistakes and sometimes have regrets about our actions. When we choose to use that rupture as an opportunity to repair the relationship, we can truly strengthen our bond with our children, and teach them healthy relational patterns that will continue to serve them in their relationships throughout their lives. Every investment that you make into a secure attachment with your child is like a seed that will grow into healthy friendships, strong marriages, and vibrant families for your children and generations to come.
Questions for Small Group Discussion
- How was relational rupture handled in your family of origin? Did your parents effectively repair ruptures with you? If not, what did they do?
- How has your family of origin’s disciplinary strategy effected your own parenting?
- When you realize you have ruptured a relationship, which “option” do you lean toward? Shame, denial, blame, or repair?
- What are your go-to ways of calming yourself down and regulating your nervous system? Are there any additional strategies that you would consider trying out?
- Do you feel comfortable accepting responsibility for your behavior, apologizing, and asking for forgiveness? If not, what makes this difficult for you? How may your relationships improve if you were more able to take responsibility and apologize?
- Do you have a community of parents with whom you can talk about parenting issues? If not, how could you foster these relationships in your life?
Irene Pruitt, LPC
Irene Pruitt is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Registered Supervisor in Virginia. She has over twelve years of experience in providing counseling in a variety of settings. She holds a Bachelors in Science from Georgetown University, and a Masters of Science from Virginia Tech, where she studied Marriage and Family Therapy. A practicing Catholic, one of her interests is integrating faith and counseling. Learn more at www.irenepruitt.com.